The rims on your Escalade cost more than my car, but you "can't afford to tip me since times are tight". I hope you learn what "times are tight" REALLY means.
It's the first of the month, and you are using your welfare money to buy 2 large pizzas, 40 hot wings, and 12 bleu cheese cups (true story). I hope you run out of bleu cheese and don't realize it and eat the hottest wing in the bunch, meanwhile you don't have a beverage, the refrigerator and freezer lock, and the water goes out, causing you to weather your burning tongue. You lose your voice for the next several months and are unable to ask for taxpayer handouts to support your frivolity.
Your parents sent you to the door to pay and you pocketed my tip. I hope the money falls out of your pocket in front of your parents and Daddy finds the biggest paddle and the firmest belt in the house, and unleashes a whipping that Chuck Norris would envy.
You gave me a religious tract and told me that it was way more valuable than earthly money and expected me to be grateful instead of being furious that we are part of the same religion. I hope you start some sort of selfish charity and everyone sees right through it when you ask for donations. Catching wind of your cheap habits that you justify with religion, I hope they send you nothing but pizza menus in the donation envelopes you provide.
You are greedy and live in a McMansion and decided to buy another Tahoe instead of giving me a few bucks. I hope you forget to open your garage while you are yapping on your BlackBerry and drive your Tahoe into your McMansion causing both of these symbols of wealth (and debt) to collapse. And I hope you were also being miserly when it came to auto and homeowners insurance, leaving you with nothing but a pile of bricks and an SUV that needs a nose job.
You look down on pizza drivers and decide they are beneath you. I hope you lose your job and fill out an application at my pizza shop so I can look down on you when I tell you that we are not hiring drivers at the moment, but please feel free to check in periodically in case something opens up.
You somehow determined that the delivery charge is a replacement for the tip to cover your cheapness. I hope your phone number and address find themselves on a "special list" of customers who now pay a $7 delivery charge.
I feel better.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
"Is a Dollar Cool?"
"Is a dollar cool?"
I was faced with that question 8 days ago at Conway Trucking around 5:30 pm, after brilliantly navigating Hilliard rush hour traffic, waiting 3 minutes for the guy to come out, and persevering through the aftermath of a violent snowstorm in the preceding 48 hours, which was essentially an area-wide skating rink.
Before I could muster out a seemingly graceful answer to a horribly dumb question, the trucker's coworkers heckled this cheapskate mercilessly over his tipping habits:
"A dollar, he drove all this way and waited for your a--!"
"Come on man, a dollar???"
"What is this, 1975?"
Okay, I threw that last one in myself. During all this, I kept a smile on my face and let the heckling truckers say what I wanted to say, despite the fact that Conway Trucking is on the very edge of our delivery map. To my surprise, the penny pinching trucker held firm and wrote $1 on the tip line on the credit card slip. Joy.
Fast forward 1 week:
I check my tickets and see that I have a stop to Conway Trucking. I get to said destination and inform the multitasking dispatchers who my customer is and have him paged. After 2 minutes, my customer comes out and greets me by saying "is a dollar cool?" I immediately recognize him as one of the hecklers from last week, and I share a good laugh with him before giving him his total, $18.60. He hands me a 20 and a 10 and says "this is to make up for that cheap bas---- last week". I said "Sir, you don't have to do that, but I greatly appreciate it."
I was faced with that question 8 days ago at Conway Trucking around 5:30 pm, after brilliantly navigating Hilliard rush hour traffic, waiting 3 minutes for the guy to come out, and persevering through the aftermath of a violent snowstorm in the preceding 48 hours, which was essentially an area-wide skating rink.
Before I could muster out a seemingly graceful answer to a horribly dumb question, the trucker's coworkers heckled this cheapskate mercilessly over his tipping habits:
"A dollar, he drove all this way and waited for your a--!"
"Come on man, a dollar???"
"What is this, 1975?"
Okay, I threw that last one in myself. During all this, I kept a smile on my face and let the heckling truckers say what I wanted to say, despite the fact that Conway Trucking is on the very edge of our delivery map. To my surprise, the penny pinching trucker held firm and wrote $1 on the tip line on the credit card slip. Joy.
Fast forward 1 week:
I check my tickets and see that I have a stop to Conway Trucking. I get to said destination and inform the multitasking dispatchers who my customer is and have him paged. After 2 minutes, my customer comes out and greets me by saying "is a dollar cool?" I immediately recognize him as one of the hecklers from last week, and I share a good laugh with him before giving him his total, $18.60. He hands me a 20 and a 10 and says "this is to make up for that cheap bas---- last week". I said "Sir, you don't have to do that, but I greatly appreciate it."
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Rule-Breaking Euphoria
It was my first delivery of the night at Sparano's, and I was already feeling great. During the 40 minutes between the end of my Pizza Hut shift and my first delivery at Sparano's, I got my $2.00 after 2 pm Mocha Frappucino, and Michigan had turned a 19-0 deficit into a 19-14 mid-4th quarter gleam of hope.
When I pulled up to the beautiful Marble Cliff condo with 4 pizzas that totaled $64.50, I had a good feeling. The mid-50s lady at the door asked me if I could bring the pizzas downstairs for them. I jokingly told them that they seemed like pretty safe folks, and the crowd of baby boomer Buckeye fans roared with laughter. Before entering the condo, which was probably built in the last year or two, I astutely noticed the very light carpeting. As I kicked off my trashy, old, pepperoni-grease lined walking shoes, I told the McCain voters that I did not want to ruin their beautiful carpeting. They all commented on what a nice gesture it was, not realizing that it was an obvious attempt to pad my tip. As the lady handed me 4 crisp $20 bills and told me to keep the change, I smiled, thanked them for their generosity, put my shoes back on and left.
I walked back to my CR-V thinking of the 'delivery driver safety' sign at Pizza Hut that states "NEVER enter the customer's house" among other arbitrary rules. As if the sign could hear my witty reply, I thought to myself "Yeah, never enter the customer's house...unless you want a tip big enough to buy lunch for you and your wife after church the next day". As I got into my car, I quickly noticed that the display on my SIRIUS Sportster said "WISC 19 MICH 20". I did a quick fist pump, hit rewind, and listened to Frank Beckmann's call of John Thompson's Pick 6.
Now that is how I like to start a shift.
When I pulled up to the beautiful Marble Cliff condo with 4 pizzas that totaled $64.50, I had a good feeling. The mid-50s lady at the door asked me if I could bring the pizzas downstairs for them. I jokingly told them that they seemed like pretty safe folks, and the crowd of baby boomer Buckeye fans roared with laughter. Before entering the condo, which was probably built in the last year or two, I astutely noticed the very light carpeting. As I kicked off my trashy, old, pepperoni-grease lined walking shoes, I told the McCain voters that I did not want to ruin their beautiful carpeting. They all commented on what a nice gesture it was, not realizing that it was an obvious attempt to pad my tip. As the lady handed me 4 crisp $20 bills and told me to keep the change, I smiled, thanked them for their generosity, put my shoes back on and left.
I walked back to my CR-V thinking of the 'delivery driver safety' sign at Pizza Hut that states "NEVER enter the customer's house" among other arbitrary rules. As if the sign could hear my witty reply, I thought to myself "Yeah, never enter the customer's house...unless you want a tip big enough to buy lunch for you and your wife after church the next day". As I got into my car, I quickly noticed that the display on my SIRIUS Sportster said "WISC 19 MICH 20". I did a quick fist pump, hit rewind, and listened to Frank Beckmann's call of John Thompson's Pick 6.
Now that is how I like to start a shift.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Dear SIRIUS, I love you.
SIRIUS Satellite Radio,
You've been in my car for a year now. Please forgive me for giving you the smell of anchovies, onions, and flatulence when you've clearly given me so much more - where do I begin?
A year ago, I thought new rock meant sprinkling in a couple new songs by Beck and Red Hot Chili Peppers with the large standard dose of 10-15 year old songs by Stone Temple Pilots, Pearl Jam, and Alice In Chains. Now, I like "Even Flow" as much as the next guy, but it's good to get a break from songs like that and here some music that's been released this decade! Artists like MGMT, The Arcade Fire, Carolina Liar, Flight of the Conchords, and Atreyu would have slipped under my radar if it weren't for you. But if I do want a steady diet of Jane's Addiction and Filter, Channel 24 is only one preset button push away.
It's also nice to listen to music without being interrupted by people telling me why I'm missing out by not consolidating my debt, checking out the new bar that just opened (and will close in 2-3 months), enlarging my genitalia with their pill, and saving money on my car insurance.
Let's talk about artist and song alerts. You really came up with a winner on this one. I could be listening to 1 of the 2 NPR stations, but you will bring to my attention the fact that Avenged Sevenfold's "Beast and the Harlot" is about to play on Channel 20 with several seconds of notice so I can listen to the song in its entirety. Brilliant. And when I want to listen to the song a second, third, and fourth time, you give me the option with the rewind button.
But you don't end with merely the rewind button. If I am in the middle of a captivating Dave Ramsey call and I pull up near my customer's house on a delivery, I no longer have to decide whether to lay low and listen to the rest of the call or miss out on Dave's brilliant advice. Instead, you give me a pause button, and I can come back after getting my $2.52 tip and find out that the caller should not have a car payment of $650/month on a $2000 monthly take home budget.
You cost me a little bit of money ($400 for the lifetime subscription, $150 for the receiver), but you've already paid for yourself and then some. Why, you ask? I have not bought one CD since I got you, and I have worked more hours than ever before and actually enjoyed it! It never feels like work when I always have the aforementioned entertainment at my disposal, as well as a 24 NFL talk network, any musical genre I've ever wanted to explore, every NFL and NBA game, some very funny and thought-provoking talk radio, multiple stand up comedy channels, and the ability to get an alert any time any artist I like is on any station.
I prefer to take my 150k mile CR-V on long trips with the wife instead of her comfortable, nearly new, highly fuel efficient Accord Hybrid, and I owe it all to you.
Sincerely,
Lance
You've been in my car for a year now. Please forgive me for giving you the smell of anchovies, onions, and flatulence when you've clearly given me so much more - where do I begin?
A year ago, I thought new rock meant sprinkling in a couple new songs by Beck and Red Hot Chili Peppers with the large standard dose of 10-15 year old songs by Stone Temple Pilots, Pearl Jam, and Alice In Chains. Now, I like "Even Flow" as much as the next guy, but it's good to get a break from songs like that and here some music that's been released this decade! Artists like MGMT, The Arcade Fire, Carolina Liar, Flight of the Conchords, and Atreyu would have slipped under my radar if it weren't for you. But if I do want a steady diet of Jane's Addiction and Filter, Channel 24 is only one preset button push away.
It's also nice to listen to music without being interrupted by people telling me why I'm missing out by not consolidating my debt, checking out the new bar that just opened (and will close in 2-3 months), enlarging my genitalia with their pill, and saving money on my car insurance.
Let's talk about artist and song alerts. You really came up with a winner on this one. I could be listening to 1 of the 2 NPR stations, but you will bring to my attention the fact that Avenged Sevenfold's "Beast and the Harlot" is about to play on Channel 20 with several seconds of notice so I can listen to the song in its entirety. Brilliant. And when I want to listen to the song a second, third, and fourth time, you give me the option with the rewind button.
But you don't end with merely the rewind button. If I am in the middle of a captivating Dave Ramsey call and I pull up near my customer's house on a delivery, I no longer have to decide whether to lay low and listen to the rest of the call or miss out on Dave's brilliant advice. Instead, you give me a pause button, and I can come back after getting my $2.52 tip and find out that the caller should not have a car payment of $650/month on a $2000 monthly take home budget.
You cost me a little bit of money ($400 for the lifetime subscription, $150 for the receiver), but you've already paid for yourself and then some. Why, you ask? I have not bought one CD since I got you, and I have worked more hours than ever before and actually enjoyed it! It never feels like work when I always have the aforementioned entertainment at my disposal, as well as a 24 NFL talk network, any musical genre I've ever wanted to explore, every NFL and NBA game, some very funny and thought-provoking talk radio, multiple stand up comedy channels, and the ability to get an alert any time any artist I like is on any station.
I prefer to take my 150k mile CR-V on long trips with the wife instead of her comfortable, nearly new, highly fuel efficient Accord Hybrid, and I owe it all to you.
Sincerely,
Lance
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The Party's Almost Over
Before I get into the key points of this post, I want to discuss why I despise the 2 run rule. The 2 run rule, the brainchild of some overpaid Pizza Hut executive, limits drivers to doubles. Even if 3 neighbors order at the exact same time, the arbitrary 2 run rule typically applies...unless the drivers are running the show, which is currently happening at my shop. :) More on that later. Here is what's wrong with the 2 run rule:
-In the era of $3.00+ gas, it cripples the driver's opportunities to beat the costs of gas by picking up an extra run reimbursement for the delivery.
-Maybe my biggest pet peeve scenario for delivering: Driving by a house and not delivering there, despite their order being ready to go...coming back to the shop to deliver right back to the same house...wasting gas and the customer's time in the process.
-I took a quad in 17 minutes tonight. (Made $15 in tips on that run, my hourly wage, and $5.20 in reimbursement, I might add) For a point of reference, drivers are expected to take 3 deliveries per hour. Multiple runs can catch a busy store up during rush, which increases business. ("How long for delivery? 80 minutes? No thanks, I'll call Donato's.) Without multiple runs, shops have no way of keeping up with the rushes, other than overloading the schedule with drivers, which is expensive and bad for morale.
-It takes away from the skill function of the job, and neuters drivers with mad skills.
Now, why is the party over? We are about to get a new general manager at Pizza Hut. A former McDonald's multi-unit manager, this man undoubtedly achieved his 'suit' status by following the letter of the law to a tee. This means that he will likely be very adamant about hiring a bunch of new drivers (eww...), and enforcing the 2 run rule (blah...).
I couldn't have picked a better time to cut down to 2 nights at the Hut and go to 4 at Sparano's, where the 5 run rule is liberally enforced.
-In the era of $3.00+ gas, it cripples the driver's opportunities to beat the costs of gas by picking up an extra run reimbursement for the delivery.
-Maybe my biggest pet peeve scenario for delivering: Driving by a house and not delivering there, despite their order being ready to go...coming back to the shop to deliver right back to the same house...wasting gas and the customer's time in the process.
-I took a quad in 17 minutes tonight. (Made $15 in tips on that run, my hourly wage, and $5.20 in reimbursement, I might add) For a point of reference, drivers are expected to take 3 deliveries per hour. Multiple runs can catch a busy store up during rush, which increases business. ("How long for delivery? 80 minutes? No thanks, I'll call Donato's.) Without multiple runs, shops have no way of keeping up with the rushes, other than overloading the schedule with drivers, which is expensive and bad for morale.
-It takes away from the skill function of the job, and neuters drivers with mad skills.
Now, why is the party over? We are about to get a new general manager at Pizza Hut. A former McDonald's multi-unit manager, this man undoubtedly achieved his 'suit' status by following the letter of the law to a tee. This means that he will likely be very adamant about hiring a bunch of new drivers (eww...), and enforcing the 2 run rule (blah...).
I couldn't have picked a better time to cut down to 2 nights at the Hut and go to 4 at Sparano's, where the 5 run rule is liberally enforced.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Frickin' Ragers Season 3 Fantasy Draft
Round 1 (First 4 rounds include keepers, for any lurkers that thing we are awful at drafting)
Farvebugr Scurvy - Tony Romo
Lions for the Win - Joseph Addai
Il Trill - Clinton Portis
Sofa King Awesome - Eli Manning
Columbus Claymores - Adrian Peterson
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Larry Johnson
MAMC Warriors - Ben Roethlisberger
The Indy Surprise - LaDainian Tomlinson
Makin' It Rain - Derek Anderson
Tropics Football - Tom Brady
fraud - Steven Jackson
rojo - Michael Turner
Round 2
Farvebugr Scurvy - TJ Houshmandzadeh
Lions for the Win - Edgerrin James
Il Trill - Peyton Manning
Sofa King Awesome - Marshawn Lynch
Columbus Claymores - Maurice Jones-Drew
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Torry Holt
MAMC Warriors - Marvin Harrison
The Indy Surprise - Marion Barber III
Makin' It Rain - Willis McGahee
Tropics Football - Terrell Owens
fraud - Larry Fitzgerald
rojo - Frank Gore
Round 3
Farvebugr Scurvy - Darren McFadden
Lions for the Win - Carson Palmer
Il Trill - Brandon Jacobs
Sofa King Awesome - Wes Welker
Columbus Claymores - Antonio Gates
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Steve Smith
MAMC Warriors - Laurence Maroney
The Indy Surprise - Reggie Wayne
Makin' It Rain - Braylon Edwards
Tropics Football - Brian Westbrook
fraud - Jamal Lewis
rojo - Andre Johnson
Round 4
Farvebugr Scurvy - Chad Johnson
Lions for the Win - Marques Colston
Il Trill - Kellen Winslow
Sofa King Awesome - Earnest Graham
Columbus Claymores - Plaxico Burress
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Ronnie Brown
MAMC Warriors - Willie Parker
The Indy Surprise - Ryan Grant
Makin' It Rain - Reggie Bush
Tropics Football - Randy Moss
fraud - Drew Brees
rojo - Calvin Johnson
Round 5
Farvebugr Scurvy - Jason Witten
Lions for the Win - Brandon Marshall
Il Trill - Santonio Holmes
Columbus Claymores - Anquan Boldin
Sofa King Awesome - Chris Cooley
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Roy Williams
MAMC Warriors - Tony Gonzalez
The Indy Surprise - Roddy White
Makin' It Rain - Greg Jennings
Tropics Football - Jonathan Stewart
fraud - Dwayne Bowe
rojo - Thomas Jones
Round 6
Farvebugr Scurvy - New England Defense
Lions for the Win - Lee Evans
Il Trill - Donald Driver
Columbus Claymores - Hines Ward
Sofa King Awesome - Lavernaeus Coles
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Matt Hasselbeck
MAMC Warriors - Chris Chambers
The Indy Surprise - Dallas Clark
Makin' It Rain - Lendale White
Tropics Football - Jeremy Shockey
fraud - Jerricho Cotchery
rojo - Javon Walker
Round 7
Farvebugr Scurvy - Selvin Young
Lions for the Win - Matt Forte
Il Trill - Santana Moss
Columbus Claymores - Donovan McNabb
Sofa King Awesome - Bernard Berrian
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Todd Heap
MAMC Warriors - Joey Galloway
The Indy Surprise - Rashard Mendenhall
Makin' It Rain - Anthony Gonzalez
Tropics Football - David Garrard
fraud - Kevin Smith
rojo - Marc Bulger
Round 8
Farvebugr Scurvy - Jerry Porter
Lions for the Win - Minnesota Defense
Il Trill - San Diego Defense
Columbus Claymores - Fred Taylor
Sofa King Awesome - Julius Jones
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Patrick Crayton
MAMC Warriors - DeAngelo Williams
The Indy Surprise - Nate Burleson
Makin' It Rain - Jay Cutler
Tropics Football - Ted Ginn Jr.
fraud - Vernon Davis
rojo - Felix Jones
Round 9
Farvebugr Scurvy - Brett Favre
Lions for the Win - Heath Miller
Il Trill - Amani Toomer
Columbus Claymores - Kevin Curtis
Sofa King Awesome - Aaron Rodgers
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Reggie Brown
MAMC Warriors - Chicago Defense
The Indy Surprise - Jon Kitna
Makin' It Rain - Donte Stallworth
Tropics Football - NY Giants Defense
fraud - Pittsburgh Defense
rojo - Owen Daniels
Round 10
Farvebugr Scurvy - Isaac Bruce
Lions for the Win - Darrell Jackson
Il Trill - Kurt Warner
Columbus Claymores - Vince Young
Sofa King Awesome - Indianapolis Defense
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Ahman Green
MAMC Warriors - Matt Schaub
The Indy Surprise - Jacksonville Defense
Makin' It Rain - Seattle Defense
Tropics Football - Vincent Jackson
fraud - Justin Gage
rojo - Dallas Defense
Round 11
Farvebugr Scurvy - Nick Folk
Lions for the Win - Chester Taylor
Il Trill - Derrick Mason
Columbus Claymores - Devin Hester
Sofa King Awesome - Sidney Rice
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Tampa Bay Defense
MAMC Warriors - Bryant Johnson
The Indy Surprise - Jabar Gaffney
Makin' It Rain - Tony Scheffler
Tropics Football - Shayne Graham
fraud - Chris Johnson
rojo - Mushin Muhammad
Round 12
Farvebugr Scurvy - DJ Hackett
Lions for the Win - Jake Delhomme
Il Trill - Chris Perry
Columbus Claymores - Philip Rivers
Sofa King Awesome - Reggie Williams
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Jeff Garcia
MAMC Warriors - Justin Fargas
The Indy Surprise - Ahmad Bradshaw
Makin' It Rain - Deuce McAllister
Tropics Football - Deion Branch
fraud - Jason Campbell
rojo - Matt Ryan
Round 13
Farvebugr Scurvy - JaMarcus Russell
Lions for the Win - Adam Vinatieri
Il Trill - Kenny Watson
Columbus Claymores - Benjamin Watson
Sofa King Awesome - Nate Kaeding
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Alge Crumpler
MAMC Warriors - Stephen Gostkowski
The Indy Surprise - James Hardy
Makin' It Rain - Bobby Engram
Tropics Football - Ricky Williams
fraud - DeSean Jackson
rojo - Eddie Royal
Round 14
Farvebugr Scurvy - Chris Brown
Lions for the Win - Donald Lee
Il Trill - Phil Dawson
Columbus Claymores - Josh Scobee
Sofa King Awesome - Leon Washington
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Jason Hanson
MAMC Warriors - Mark Clayton
The Indy Surprise - Dave Olsen
Makin' It Rain - Jerious Norwood
Tropics Football - Tavaris Jackson
fraud - David Patten
rojo - Ronald Curry
Round 15
Farvebugr Scurvy - Charles Ali
Lions for the Win - Drew Bennett
Il Trill - Ben Utecht
Columbus Claymores - Baltimore Defense
Sofa King Awesome - Shawn McDonald
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Mike Furrey
MAMC Warriors - Marty Booker
The Indy Surprise - Mason Crosby
Makin' It Rain - Robbie Gould
Tropics Football - Antwaan Randle-El
fraud - Rob Bironas
rojo - Jeff Reed
Farvebugr Scurvy - Tony Romo
Lions for the Win - Joseph Addai
Il Trill - Clinton Portis
Sofa King Awesome - Eli Manning
Columbus Claymores - Adrian Peterson
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Larry Johnson
MAMC Warriors - Ben Roethlisberger
The Indy Surprise - LaDainian Tomlinson
Makin' It Rain - Derek Anderson
Tropics Football - Tom Brady
fraud - Steven Jackson
rojo - Michael Turner
Round 2
Farvebugr Scurvy - TJ Houshmandzadeh
Lions for the Win - Edgerrin James
Il Trill - Peyton Manning
Sofa King Awesome - Marshawn Lynch
Columbus Claymores - Maurice Jones-Drew
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Torry Holt
MAMC Warriors - Marvin Harrison
The Indy Surprise - Marion Barber III
Makin' It Rain - Willis McGahee
Tropics Football - Terrell Owens
fraud - Larry Fitzgerald
rojo - Frank Gore
Round 3
Farvebugr Scurvy - Darren McFadden
Lions for the Win - Carson Palmer
Il Trill - Brandon Jacobs
Sofa King Awesome - Wes Welker
Columbus Claymores - Antonio Gates
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Steve Smith
MAMC Warriors - Laurence Maroney
The Indy Surprise - Reggie Wayne
Makin' It Rain - Braylon Edwards
Tropics Football - Brian Westbrook
fraud - Jamal Lewis
rojo - Andre Johnson
Round 4
Farvebugr Scurvy - Chad Johnson
Lions for the Win - Marques Colston
Il Trill - Kellen Winslow
Sofa King Awesome - Earnest Graham
Columbus Claymores - Plaxico Burress
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Ronnie Brown
MAMC Warriors - Willie Parker
The Indy Surprise - Ryan Grant
Makin' It Rain - Reggie Bush
Tropics Football - Randy Moss
fraud - Drew Brees
rojo - Calvin Johnson
Round 5
Farvebugr Scurvy - Jason Witten
Lions for the Win - Brandon Marshall
Il Trill - Santonio Holmes
Columbus Claymores - Anquan Boldin
Sofa King Awesome - Chris Cooley
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Roy Williams
MAMC Warriors - Tony Gonzalez
The Indy Surprise - Roddy White
Makin' It Rain - Greg Jennings
Tropics Football - Jonathan Stewart
fraud - Dwayne Bowe
rojo - Thomas Jones
Round 6
Farvebugr Scurvy - New England Defense
Lions for the Win - Lee Evans
Il Trill - Donald Driver
Columbus Claymores - Hines Ward
Sofa King Awesome - Lavernaeus Coles
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Matt Hasselbeck
MAMC Warriors - Chris Chambers
The Indy Surprise - Dallas Clark
Makin' It Rain - Lendale White
Tropics Football - Jeremy Shockey
fraud - Jerricho Cotchery
rojo - Javon Walker
Round 7
Farvebugr Scurvy - Selvin Young
Lions for the Win - Matt Forte
Il Trill - Santana Moss
Columbus Claymores - Donovan McNabb
Sofa King Awesome - Bernard Berrian
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Todd Heap
MAMC Warriors - Joey Galloway
The Indy Surprise - Rashard Mendenhall
Makin' It Rain - Anthony Gonzalez
Tropics Football - David Garrard
fraud - Kevin Smith
rojo - Marc Bulger
Round 8
Farvebugr Scurvy - Jerry Porter
Lions for the Win - Minnesota Defense
Il Trill - San Diego Defense
Columbus Claymores - Fred Taylor
Sofa King Awesome - Julius Jones
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Patrick Crayton
MAMC Warriors - DeAngelo Williams
The Indy Surprise - Nate Burleson
Makin' It Rain - Jay Cutler
Tropics Football - Ted Ginn Jr.
fraud - Vernon Davis
rojo - Felix Jones
Round 9
Farvebugr Scurvy - Brett Favre
Lions for the Win - Heath Miller
Il Trill - Amani Toomer
Columbus Claymores - Kevin Curtis
Sofa King Awesome - Aaron Rodgers
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Reggie Brown
MAMC Warriors - Chicago Defense
The Indy Surprise - Jon Kitna
Makin' It Rain - Donte Stallworth
Tropics Football - NY Giants Defense
fraud - Pittsburgh Defense
rojo - Owen Daniels
Round 10
Farvebugr Scurvy - Isaac Bruce
Lions for the Win - Darrell Jackson
Il Trill - Kurt Warner
Columbus Claymores - Vince Young
Sofa King Awesome - Indianapolis Defense
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Ahman Green
MAMC Warriors - Matt Schaub
The Indy Surprise - Jacksonville Defense
Makin' It Rain - Seattle Defense
Tropics Football - Vincent Jackson
fraud - Justin Gage
rojo - Dallas Defense
Round 11
Farvebugr Scurvy - Nick Folk
Lions for the Win - Chester Taylor
Il Trill - Derrick Mason
Columbus Claymores - Devin Hester
Sofa King Awesome - Sidney Rice
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Tampa Bay Defense
MAMC Warriors - Bryant Johnson
The Indy Surprise - Jabar Gaffney
Makin' It Rain - Tony Scheffler
Tropics Football - Shayne Graham
fraud - Chris Johnson
rojo - Mushin Muhammad
Round 12
Farvebugr Scurvy - DJ Hackett
Lions for the Win - Jake Delhomme
Il Trill - Chris Perry
Columbus Claymores - Philip Rivers
Sofa King Awesome - Reggie Williams
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Jeff Garcia
MAMC Warriors - Justin Fargas
The Indy Surprise - Ahmad Bradshaw
Makin' It Rain - Deuce McAllister
Tropics Football - Deion Branch
fraud - Jason Campbell
rojo - Matt Ryan
Round 13
Farvebugr Scurvy - JaMarcus Russell
Lions for the Win - Adam Vinatieri
Il Trill - Kenny Watson
Columbus Claymores - Benjamin Watson
Sofa King Awesome - Nate Kaeding
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Alge Crumpler
MAMC Warriors - Stephen Gostkowski
The Indy Surprise - James Hardy
Makin' It Rain - Bobby Engram
Tropics Football - Ricky Williams
fraud - DeSean Jackson
rojo - Eddie Royal
Round 14
Farvebugr Scurvy - Chris Brown
Lions for the Win - Donald Lee
Il Trill - Phil Dawson
Columbus Claymores - Josh Scobee
Sofa King Awesome - Leon Washington
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Jason Hanson
MAMC Warriors - Mark Clayton
The Indy Surprise - Dave Olsen
Makin' It Rain - Jerious Norwood
Tropics Football - Tavaris Jackson
fraud - David Patten
rojo - Ronald Curry
Round 15
Farvebugr Scurvy - Charles Ali
Lions for the Win - Drew Bennett
Il Trill - Ben Utecht
Columbus Claymores - Baltimore Defense
Sofa King Awesome - Shawn McDonald
Jon Kitna's Revenge - Mike Furrey
MAMC Warriors - Marty Booker
The Indy Surprise - Mason Crosby
Makin' It Rain - Robbie Gould
Tropics Football - Antwaan Randle-El
fraud - Rob Bironas
rojo - Jeff Reed
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Pizza Hut's Plan to Decrease Sales
Over the past year, Pizza Hut has launched a strategic product line, seemingly with the sole purpose of lowering ticket sales. While this assessment may seem negative, let's closely examine what they have done with 3 products:
1. The Tuscani Pasta Line - Don't get me wrong. I love the diversity that the pasta line has brought to the PH menu. Made strictly the way Pizza Hut wants them, the Creamy Chicken Alfredo and Cheesy Mac & Bacon are outstanding. Plus, they give me a rare opportunity to use silverware. Additionally, they allow me to be creative and make different things than I normally do, such as alfredo pizzas, new marinades for wings, and other TBD recipes. But back on topic: the pasta is marketed to a family of 4 (over 3 lbs./feeds 3-4 adults), and costs $11.99 with 5 breadsticks. If everyone family of 4 orders this, we lose. Families of 4 should be ordering the Family Feast (2 med. 1 top, 5 sticks, 2 liter pop $19.99), or 2 large pizzas ($18.99 with coupon). Though the pastas are an extremely high profit item, sales are what is important to Wall Street, management, and the employees schedule.
2. Bringing back the P'Zone - A great 1400 calorie meal for one, and sometimes shared by 2. A P'Zone costs $5.99, and 2 cost $10.99. The problem with the P'Zone is that it is not an add-on or a suggestive sell (like Hershey's dunkers or 10 WingStreet wings), it is a replacement for more expensive meal items. I seldom deliver more than 2 p'zones on an order, and it is even rarer to deliver p'zones as part of large tickets.
3. The Pizza Mia - The other two items I mentioned were just a warm-up for this one. Seemingly targeted to large families, and sold at a mere $5.00 apiece, this product is attempting to change Pizza Hut's brand image to one that caters to the bottom rung. Instead of families ordering 2 larges, 10 wings, and cheesesticks for the mid-30's, the same family will now order $20 worth of this half-cheese, undertopped pizza. The real shame is that Pizza Hut allows this product to occupy its boxes. This pizza seriously makes the Hot 'N' Ready from Little Caesar's seem like something that a mom & pop shop in North Chicago would sell. This pizza has increased labor demands, over-occupied valuable oven space during peek times, and lowered average ticket prices, profits, and sales for Pizza Hut. I cringe every time somebody asks for this on the phone.
1. The Tuscani Pasta Line - Don't get me wrong. I love the diversity that the pasta line has brought to the PH menu. Made strictly the way Pizza Hut wants them, the Creamy Chicken Alfredo and Cheesy Mac & Bacon are outstanding. Plus, they give me a rare opportunity to use silverware. Additionally, they allow me to be creative and make different things than I normally do, such as alfredo pizzas, new marinades for wings, and other TBD recipes. But back on topic: the pasta is marketed to a family of 4 (over 3 lbs./feeds 3-4 adults), and costs $11.99 with 5 breadsticks. If everyone family of 4 orders this, we lose. Families of 4 should be ordering the Family Feast (2 med. 1 top, 5 sticks, 2 liter pop $19.99), or 2 large pizzas ($18.99 with coupon). Though the pastas are an extremely high profit item, sales are what is important to Wall Street, management, and the employees schedule.
2. Bringing back the P'Zone - A great 1400 calorie meal for one, and sometimes shared by 2. A P'Zone costs $5.99, and 2 cost $10.99. The problem with the P'Zone is that it is not an add-on or a suggestive sell (like Hershey's dunkers or 10 WingStreet wings), it is a replacement for more expensive meal items. I seldom deliver more than 2 p'zones on an order, and it is even rarer to deliver p'zones as part of large tickets.
3. The Pizza Mia - The other two items I mentioned were just a warm-up for this one. Seemingly targeted to large families, and sold at a mere $5.00 apiece, this product is attempting to change Pizza Hut's brand image to one that caters to the bottom rung. Instead of families ordering 2 larges, 10 wings, and cheesesticks for the mid-30's, the same family will now order $20 worth of this half-cheese, undertopped pizza. The real shame is that Pizza Hut allows this product to occupy its boxes. This pizza seriously makes the Hot 'N' Ready from Little Caesar's seem like something that a mom & pop shop in North Chicago would sell. This pizza has increased labor demands, over-occupied valuable oven space during peek times, and lowered average ticket prices, profits, and sales for Pizza Hut. I cringe every time somebody asks for this on the phone.
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